Currently – 8/16/19 (Annoyed, Time, Lost)

Today was another one of those days. A day that starts off pretty decent and you’re actually making an effort to be a better person only to be derailed by one thing or someone in particular. Started off the day with a shower and washing clothes, something productive. While washing my clothes I was watching Netflix when my dad called me up and asked me to take him somewhere kind of far away. Little by little he kept annoying me. Yesterday he called me up in the middle of something to ask me about a thing he should already know and at the wrong time so it was just feeding into today. Turns out the thing he ‘needed’ me to do was already taken care of so I just wasted my gas and time. To make matters worse I was in a bad mood but didn’t want to discuss it so he decided to start guilt tripping me about how he paid for some of my stuff so I should help him… while not also realizing that he said fairly recently he wouldn’t pay for that stuff anymore.

I’ve never had a good relationship with him and now that he’s been immobilized by cancer its just making everything worse. He’s still as vindictive, self important, know it all and highly critical as ever but now I have to assist him with basic needs every so often. Its like taking care of a baby that’s berating you while you’re changing its diaper. Every single tv show or movie I saw about a person getting cancer was always dignified or tragic and the whole situation brought everyone together regardless of how horrible the person who was diagnosed with the disease acted in the past. I like fairy tails but this is just too far out there.

I’ve said previously I’ve felt alone and its only getting worse. I’m debating on whether I should just call up a person but I think if they just ignore me… like they’ve done as of late, that’s just going to make me feel even worse. Of course there’s the idea that they may come back and pretend like nothing happened and I think that’s just going to piss me off. I know you don’t do this to other people, so why do you think its okay to do this to me? I might be overreacting but I never understand people who screen calls or texts. If you don’t feel like talking just say so. Relationships aren’t a game.

I really feel like going on a trip right now. Not somewhere super far away but maybe closer to nature. Where I live its all concrete and metal and I think its effecting me. There’s parks nearby but it has this air of falsehood to it. Plants are pruned and shaped in a very specific way, nothing is out of place and most of it is surrounded by more concrete and metal. I want nature to be chaotic. I want plants to overtake conventions. I want to see animals so unafraid of humans that they’ll walk up to you out of pure curiosity and so confident in the fact that this is their home and you’re a strange new visitor to be inspected. I wish there was a place like that.

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