As a follow up to the last post, if I’m correct, I texted someone to maybe chat for a bit. I was unable to sleep so I thought “They’re up. Why not?” Its been over twelve hours and they haven’t responded. And I get it, life and all but I just can’t help but feel disappointed. I just wanted to talk. I’ve been feeling really lonely and I can’t seem to shake it no matter what.
Unfortunately I didn’t have the energy to write. Just the idea of continuing to craft a story where two of the leads are happy together just makes me feel sad. All it does is remind me that I can’t have that. Not even just a relationship but the idea that I can’t even just be happy or be with someone. I wake up every morning, roll out of an empty bed and I just don’t have the energy to continue. If this is what my life is going to continue to be… why bother?
I guess the ‘numb’ part of this is somewhat misleading. I’m actually really hurt right now. And I understand that I brought this on myself but it doesn’t make it feel any less horrible. I guess its numb in the sense that pain has been put on me and my body is trying to cope by shutting down all those feelings. I think the worst part is I just can’t blame them and move on considering a lot of this is just my fault. I can’t rationalize to myself that I’m the victim and just leave it at that while my mind tries to cope with it at a later date.
Of course beating myself up over this isn’t going to help. I think after I write this I’m going to go watch a movie or something. I’m not really in the mood and I’d rather save money but I just need to get out of the house and distract myself. Go out and at least be around others. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about this. Maybe I just need to… do something. I really wish I knew what that something was right now. I just want this pain to stop and never come back.