Currently- 8/13/19 (Internet, Frustration, Loneliness)

I guess this is a first for this blog. All of my posts up until now have been using a computer. Right now I’m using mobile. Apologies beforehand if this doesn’t work out super well. I’ll (hopefully) find out later.

Was today a good day of writing? I’m honestly not sure. I got some writing done but hit a wall early on. I felt like taking a minor break by watching the new episode for a show. Ultimately that ended up becoming a nightmare because I found out the Internet wasn’t working. I tried everything and eventually it was all I could think about. Nearly twelve hours later I learned the bill just straight up wasn’t paid so here’s hoping that changes tomorrow.

I think the biggest part of no internet for me is the idea that my ability to not think about bad stuff is drastically reduced. I usually just turn off my brain for a bit to either play games or watch some tv. Its not great for me becoming a more whole and complete person but I would rather stagnate than suffer. Today’s particular suffering was being lonely and staring at sent messages left unreplied. So lacking internet connection I decided to take what I call a depression nap so most likely I will be awake for the whole night… with no internet.

I’m going to stop using the “I” word for a bit. One of the biggest problems I have with this age is the fact its so immensely easy to communicate with other that when you don’t get to its a much bigger thing. Sending letters could take months, telegrams weren’t exactly common and still had to go through the postal service, even phones were limited to being in homes attached to cords or you had to be rich to afford a massive brick that had a better life less than a mayfly. Now I can literally talk with someone nearly halfway across the world… or in my case send them a message and not receive a reply for days.

I get that people are busy and lives get in the way but I can’t help but feel its a slight against me. Even worse it reminds me that I’m no one’s favorite person. I take no priority in anyone’s life, I’m never the first or last person on their mind. And in this case I’m, at best, second priority when it comes to talk to. I’m not even sure if I’m tenth on their list of people preferred to talk to. Just once in my life I want to be that person. Someone who is constantly at the back of their mind, just the mere utter of my name sends a pleasant shiver down their back, a flutter of the heart, someone who counts the minutes until they can see me again. Can I just take priority in someone’s life for once? I’ll settle for second.

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