Currently – 8/6/19 (Pain, Honesty, Future)

I just want to start off with some really uncomfortable honesty. I haven’t been in a good place for a long time. If I’m being honest I can’t remember when I was in a good place, to put it bluntly. We were kicked out of our house in order to save the family business which started going south after my grandfather passed away, my dad (someone who I have never had a good relationship with) is currently on his deathbed with cancer and is trying to connect with me with whatever small amount of time he has left, I started up a friendship with someone I respected and began to care for a lot but ultimately screwed it up because of my own faults, and in between that time I was let go from a job I had for almost ten years and then got a new job only to be fired days later. Not to mention the fact that all of this eventually culminated in a pretty severe panic attack that left me with a persistent pain in my chest I’m still having as I’m writing this.

Above all right now I just really want to finish this book. I’m not making excuses as to why I’m not working on it, rather just saying a lot has been going on in my life and I’m not really sure what to do. Despite me having said some… not great things to this person they have been kind enough to allow me to speak to them on occasion. They gave me some advice early this morning when I wasn’t capable of sleeping which ultimately culminated in “Take a break for now”. Tomorrow when I wake up I am going to attempt writing again but I can’t make any promises. Above all else my own personal health and dealing with it comes first.

My greatest fear is that I will be nothing. That I will live my life struggling without ever finding meaning. I’ll eventually die and have contributed nothing. Never finding love with another, never fulfilling any of my dreams and never having put my mark on the world in any way possible. I will die alone and unknown. The thought of that is genuinely terrifying and I’ve been doing my best to either surpass in doing things of worth or simply mentally and emotionally moving beyond this idea. Writing is my one talent, the one thing I can do to potentially make a better life for myself and put my mark on existence, no matter how small.

I’ve said this before and it bears repeating: Once I am able I plan to go to therapy. Unfortunately that’s an expensive thing so until I can actually make some decent amount of money that’s a future thing at best. I still have bills to pay in the meantime and I occasionally need to eat. As much as I would like my government to consider health care a priority for all people to be able to get the help they need that just isn’t reality right now.

Above all else I just want to thank every single one of you for coming to this blog, not only to read but like and comment on these posts. They’ve been an immensely positive effect on my life no matter how small. I am still very much dedicated to showing you all my work so we can discuss it or just simply enjoy it together. I’m not going to push myself to get to that point, however. But when it is done I promise that I will share it with you. Until then, thank you for being here with me.

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