Currently – 8/5/19 (Rest, Lonely, Lost)

Like I said in my last post if I was still having chest pains today I was going to take a break from writing and I was still in pain, albeit much less than previously but still. Mostly just spent the entire day not worrying about that stuff. I feel a lot better, now with only some stiffness in my chest, so I think tomorrow I will start writing again. Ideally I would like to go to the doctor and get a check up but since I have no health insurance that’s probably not really going to happen. I guess I just have to tough it out and hope that its not serious.

No one really wanted to talk to me today which I kind of feel down by. I texted two people the day before, received no responses and today they haven’t responded either. Never really sure what people are thinking, whether they want to talk to me ever again or not, so I just kind of sit here and be sad. I don’t know which would be worse, to just sit here and wonder if people dislike me or try to talk to them and be told in with no ambiguity that they don’t like me. I guess the latter means I won’t have to waste my time on them but still would hurt.

I… might try to talk to them tomorrow. Might. Usually it ends up that they come back and say “Sorry I was busy”/”Didn’t see your message”. Which I always feel is a lie but at least they’ve attempted to not hurt my feelings so at least there’s that. I get that life gets in the way of that stuff but I can’t help but feel that after a certain point that I’m the only one they do this to. Do you treat others like this or is it just me? Again I feel like it would be better not to know this but also if I was told “No I only treat you like this” then I would feel nice because I would never have to waste my time with this person anymore.

I guess it would be healthier to voice my feelings. Maybe they don’t understand that they’re putting me through this and they’ll eventually change because they do want me in their life. I guess its just my poor opinion of myself. Don’t really feel like I deserve much of anything whatsoever. I keep trying to tell myself that I deserve to be happy but I can’t tell if I actually feel like that or I’m just lying to myself to not feel terrible. Do I actually want to know?

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