Currently – 8/4/19 (Pain, Anxiety, Sleep)

My day started off pretty early. I couldn’t sleep at all at night so I decided to text a… former friend? I’m not sure what to classify her as. Anyways, texted her asking if we could talk. Nothing came of it and I just ended up trying to sleep. I couldn’t sleep because of anxiety and it only got worse because I, at best, got around like two hours of consistent sleep. As if that wasn’t bad enough I started having chest pains for the first time in my life since I was a teenager… and that pain hasn’t gone away as evidenced by the fact that over 12 hours later I’m still suffering from this pain.

But hey! I do have another friend. And she texted me! And I tried to make her feel better. And she stopped talking to me and I don’t know what to do. Okay. So now I’m just sitting here wondering if I should contact someone to maybe vent about how it feels like I’ve been stabbed through the back and its come out of the other end of my body and I’ve just had this pain for hours and have no idea what to do. The stabbed through the back comment wasn’t about how I feel betrayed right now but the actual physical pain I’m currently suffering with.

I guess I have some pain pills? But I don’t really like using those. If it continues around the time I need to sleep I will take some out of desperation. I don’t like keeping stuff like that around because I’ve considered and made plans to commit suicide before and I feel like keeping that stuff around is just giving me easy access if I ever decide to do it one of these days.

Got some writing done. Obviously not a lot because I am just in pain right now and I can’t really think straight. I would rather not but if this persists to tomorrow I think I’ll just kind of quit the day and sleep in as much as possible. I would like to do that right now but I have to work until at least five more hours. But as soon as I’m able I think I’m just going to go to sleep early.

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