Currently – 7/23/19 (Effort, Attempt, Resolved)

While I didn’t do it for the entire day I actually tried to write some. For whatever reason the words just weren’t flowing from me. I guess I have to get back into the rhythm of just writing in general, regardless if I feel like it or not. At least I can say I actually tried this time as opposed to not at all. So that’s some progress, I guess.

I’m thinking of a half remembered quote by Akira Kurosawa. Something about how people think that writing is supposed to come naturally when in fact you just need to force yourself to do it. Don’t wait for the inspiration just go out and write. I wish I could remember the entire thing or just the actual right words but its somewhere along those lines. Despite knowing and being aware of that I just can’t push myself right now. Maybe later.

Tonight was family night and I skipped it. Free food isn’t worth having to see my dad. I had to make up a lie and just said my body was in pain. Weirdly enough I started to actually feel like I was in pain. I think it was my own way of torturing myself. I think I deserve it. I’ve been pretty dumb as of late and I can’t blame anyone but myself. I desperately want to go back in time and fix my mistakes.

I keep thinking about reincarnation. The idea that once I die instead of going to an afterlife or becoming nothing I just restart somewhere. If its real I hope I remember my mistakes. Remember all the stuff I did wrong so I don’t repeat it again. Who knows, maybe the next time I finally get this right. Next time I finally live the life that I should have lived all along.

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