I decided to cut the weekend at my parents’ house short. Usually I’ll leave early Sunday in an attempt to beat the traffic and have an excuse not to go to church. Last night my dad kept me up well past 2 am. As you know I have sleep problems of my own already so when I really want to sleep I just go for it. I started actually getting tired so it was the perfect balance. Not only did I want to sleep but my body agreed and we were perfectly in sync at the moment.
However, instead of going to sleep I had to cater to my dad’s whims. Every so often he would get up to try and go to the bathroom and I had to help him stand up to which he would either just sit down because it was too painful to stand or he wasn’t able to use the bathroom. This happened at least three times, once when I had already laid down and was halfway into deep REM sleep. If that wasn’t bad enough he just kept talking in his sleep so I had to keep an ear open thinking he actually needed my help.
If it was just that I could handle it but no. Cut to me waking up suddenly to hearing my dad yelling. Of course I’m thinking something is seriously wrong but in actuality he was just trying to get someone’s attention to try and go to the bathroom. After I’m done I feel like going back to sleep because I’ve gotten, at best, four hours of sleep. What instead happened was a three hour long ordeal of me trying to cater to my dad’s wishes and never satisfying them.
My final breaking point was when he asked me what time it was, which seems pretty innocuous but for him will often trigger a pattern that every five minutes he’ll ask what the time is. Worse yet is that we actually have an Echo in the home and all he needs to do is ask it what time it is, which is also annoying but at least I don’t have to tell him fifteen times in a row. Making matters worse it feels like he’s mocking me with the time, like he’s reminding me of how little sleep I’ve got and how long I’ve been forced to cater to his needs. I storm out of the house with all my things and head back to my place. Even worse still he calls me to essentially guilt me for leaving and leverage that he pays off my car bill and I need to be there for him but ‘allows’ me to leave.
Part of my reference when it comes to writing is consuming as much content as possible for whatever genre I’m hoping to write for in an attempt to get an idea of how I should start the story. Something I’ve been meaning to watch all these years was Twin Peaks because I’m writing some supernatural/cerebral horror. A character in the show becomes disabled and forced to be cared for by a character they abused in the past and they have a horrible time of it. I wasn’t expecting the show to have such relevance for me.
I know I haven’t talked about my family life all that much but its not great. My main desire when it comes to getting a job is to become financially independent enough to the point where I can move away and not be forced to interact with them. I feel trapped, like I’m under someone’s thumb. And at the same time I feel conflicted, as if I know how I should be acting and feeling right now but my past prevents me from having the normal reaction to my parent dying. Talking about it this way genuinely feels monstrous and its difficult to be truthful. I just want this to end.