Currently – 7/18/19 (Insomnia, Lonely, Acceptance)

After each day that goes by I can’t stop thinking about the dumb decisions I’ve made. My mind keeps torturing me with the possibilities if I just kept my mouth shut, if I pulled back my words. Maybe right now I wouldn’t be so miserable. Or at the very least I would have someone I could talk to about it.

Doesn’t help that I was introduced second hand to people who know her and still interact with her. My heart immediately dropped as soon as I saw someone share something she posted. Not to say that it ruined my day but it certainly put me in a much darker mood. My mind forcing me to agonize the fact that I might never see or talk to this person again. Worst of all is I know I deserve this and if I can brave it I’ll come out on the other side a much better, more complete person. That still doesn’t change the fact I feel like I want to cry at the thought of her.

I feel like I’m being so dramatic. I didn’t have anything really special with her and it didn’t go beyond just being friends. I guess I just put so much stock into one person that now its gone I feel like I’m stuck holding all of these emotions and no good outlet to put them into. A job would be a good way to keep my mind off of things but that’s not possible right now.

I keep thinking about writing some more. Maybe I could channel this energy into something productive. But I don’t really feel like I’m capable. Right now I really just want to forget everything or at least be numb to it all but I know that’s not healthy and I won’t move beyond this. I’m tempted to call her and just talk but I know that also isn’t something sensible or good, for either of us.

Life is really annoying, always has been. Sometimes I feel like everyone was given a note detailing what they were supposed to do with their life and I just didn’t get it. I feel so lost all the time like I was going somewhere but that place has vanished from existence, now what little memories I have of that are trying to piece together the bits and fragments. Find a place that never has nor ever will be there. Right now I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a time or place where I feel like I do belong. Maybe that place exists inside my dreams.

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