Currently – 7/16/19 (Money, Realization, Writing)

You ever hear the right thing at the wrong time? Like the best advice you could get at a time when you weren’t capable of comprehending it or it came from a person you weren’t in the right place with? I have that often. I suppose its kind of a blessing. Often times I’ll just have this eureka moment where the perfect advice I needed just popped into my head that I received years ago.

Money problems are still and issue so I signed up for (another) one of those survey sites. This one seems to be a bit better. I was using Swagbucks but they keep their stuff behind a credit’s system that you have to convert into non cash items. Basically it was just inconvenient, not to mention all the surveys handed out fractions of pennies for what I wanted while also taking a long time to do. This other one seems decent but I think I have to give it a bit more time before I’m totally sold. They rack up rewards in actual money as opposed to points. Anyways, I’m getting off track.

So there was this particular survey that I took part in about health. I was doing my best just to finish it as honestly and quickly as possible but then it switched to talking about my mental health. I was really forced to honestly question myself about my own personal problems and literally quantify in precise terms how it was affecting my life. Seems dumb to say that a survey really pushed the idea further into my head but, ya, I’m in a really bad place. Of course that’s pretty obvious, I’ve talked about it before, but I guess its one of those moments where its like stacking more evidence on an idea that was already ruminating in my head.

I’ve thought a lot about what I’ll do if and when I get another job. Maybe move out of where I am, of course I’ll pay off more bills, maybe I’ll try to get back into that diet I was working on. But I think the biggest thing I need to do is see a therapist. It seems like this really needs to be my first step. I know I’ve been as honest as I can be on here but there’s things that I feel like I can’t admit to anyone. Not illegal or anything but being vulnerable. Discussing my innermost thoughts.

It feels weird to say but I think one day I’m going to be happy. I’m going to look back on this and maybe have a smile. The idea that I went through all of this and came out on the other side of it a much more whole and complete person really feels like everything I want. Some day I could be stable, wake up, look in the mirror and feel alright. Seems like a far off dream but one worth working towards.

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