Last night I did something stupid and basically forced her hand. I think in my mind I was trying to leave but it ultimately sounded like, both to me later and to her, that I was trying to manipulate her. We had a very unpleasant conversation which I attempted to end prematurely. Fortunately she wasn’t having it and called me on the phone to tell me what she was feeling. It was awkward but I think it ended on the best note, me understanding that I was wrong.
I’ve thought a lot about going to therapy but I’ve always shied away from it. When I had two jobs I wasn’t able due to time constraints, single job was out of fear and now unemployed I simply don’t have the money to do it. But instead of making excuses I want to go, if only for myself. The idea of me being in a healthy place seems like a fantasy but one I want to explore.
I’m not going to say I was the good guy in this situation, not by a long shot. What I thought was attempting to repair a relationship was in reality me harassing someone who had never been anything but nice to me. I’m saying this not to gain sympathy but to be honest with you and myself. I don’t know how I’m going to do this but I need therapy, badly. If I’m being honest I really do want it. Hopefully I can come out on the side a much better, or at the very least, aware person. Thank you for your patience.