Currently – 7/9/19 (Fine, Lazy, Forward)

As a general rule of thumb I try to not to fully understand how I feel after something happens in my life I consider significant, at least to myself. I try to give myself time to process what happened, both mentally and emotionally. Today I’m still fine. Nothing really has changed. Though my own personal motivations have shifted I’m not a wreck. I accept what has happened and I’m interested in moving forward.

Unfortunately I’ve been lazy today. No work done whatsoever. I attribute this mostly due to my main motivations for getting work and money now being gone. Of course I still want and need a job, that hasn’t changed, but I no longer feel necessary to push myself so hard to find a job for some perceived plans. My mental state is drastically better as well, though I’m still annoyed by the fact that lying down to sleep is now just a constant cacophony of my brain replaying things I could have done or said to avert or progress what happened.

Ultimately I’m glad this happened. The relationship was not healthy or balanced and now that its done I feel immensely better. I guess the best way to describe it is that if you’ve lived with a certain pain for so long you can’t remember not feeling it and its just become part of your life. Eventually you’re convinced or forced to get treatment and now that its over you feel unusual like its a foreign feeling despite the fact this is how you were before. I’m going to try to be more productive tomorrow and actually get some kind of work done. My room needs cleaning so I think I’ll focus on that for now.

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