Currently – 7/3/19 (Trapped, Worried, Future)

Not really sure what I can do for money right now. Tomorrow is going to be the Fourth of July. For those outside the US that’s an American holiday to celebrate our independence, although I personally see it as a flimsy excuse to launch of fireworks though that’s not to say I’m against it and fireworks are fun. This would have been an excellent time to use Lyft or any other ride sharing service, however I need to actively contact my parents’ insurance company so I can get some document that tells Lyft I actually have insurance on the car. I could try later but the point is I’m just sitting here doing not much of anything.

I feel like the longer I stay jobless the more likely my friend is going to leave me. Not in the sense she’s that type of person, more from the standpoint that I feel we’ve hit a block that can only be broken down by physically meeting one another. I still love talking to her and hearing about all that’s going on in her life but there’s this hollow bit to it. Like there’s a window in between the two of us. The longer I let it stay there the more likely she is to walk away. If I was there in person… I don’t know.

I’ve been looking at some freelance jobs. They won’t be enough to buy a plane ticket to see her or pay for my necessities once I’m there but its something to do in the meantime to pay the bills. I keep getting discouraged reading all of this. So much work for so little pay. That is to say the stuff I can actually enter into. The better paying stuff is going to take a lot more that I just don’t have right now. I’m willing to take a small, low paying gig just to get my foot in the door but there’s a lot of competition that I have to deal with as well.

Right now my only goal, as much as I hate to admit it, is to just see my friend. I really just want to cement this and see if this could be a permanent thing. But more than anything I just want her to be happy and for me to be stable. I don’t care how long it takes but I want to do it as soon as possible. And, yes, I understand that’s quite the oxymoron. I really feel like if I just met her then things would all make sense. Maybe the storm that’s raging on inside my head right now could be a little calm, even if its just for a moment.

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