I got an update today to notify me that my book has been officially published and is now on sale. What I should be feeling is joy, happiness and accomplishment but all I can do is just sit here in a lazy pile feeling kind of sad. That’s more of an outside thing than connected to this. I just feel really down when I’ve accomplished something so momentous.
I think more than anything right now I just want to talk to someone in general. And to, of course, share in the excitement of finally doing something I’ve dreamed about for a long time with someone who genuinely is happy that I’ve done this. I keep thinking I should text a friend and share the good news but I would be wasting their time which always makes me feel bad. Or, even worse, I try to contact them and get ignored for whatever reason. I feel trapped in a situation that could be easily solved or worsened by a simple act.
I think what I was expecting was for my life to change instantaneously. Of course that was pretty foolish and not sensible. I felt like that in an instant I was going to be thrust into the spotlight, make all the money I needed to live comfortably and finally start doing the things I wanted to. Part of me feels like I just need to give it time. I mean I don’t even know if my paper is selling at all. But I think logically I need to understand that I have to put in more effort.
I have a few more book ideas but no drive to actually put any energy into them. Right now all I want to do is talk to someone who’s going to be happy for me and congratulate me. But more than that I really want to move forward again. This was a really big step and I think I’ve gotten lazy because of it. I really hope tomorrow I get that push that will take me forward. Otherwise… I don’t know.