Currently – 6/24/19 (Procrastination, Fear, Paths)

Not proud to say that I spent the entire day not focusing on bettering myself. I mean I got out of bed, took a shower and brushed my teeth which unfortunately is an uncommon thing for me. Ya its gross but I often just don’t have the energy or will to keep my body in normal functioning order and, that being said, it is something I recognize is a problem and I’m trying to fix. In this case it would be in terms of my, potentially, money making hobbies or bettering myself in general.

My book is pretty much done at this point. Right now all I have to do is proofread, edit, plug the sources in and find out how to self publish it. Also I guess I need to find a pen name. I need a pen name because the content within could legitimately put me in danger. I’m not going to tell you what its about, mostly for fear this could backtrack me and lead to me being murdered, or plug it into this blog once its finished and published.

I keep telling myself the reason I’m not finishing it is out of fear but that should be a reason for not publishing it. Honestly I think I’m just trying to justify my laziness. But I think more than that I’m here at a crossroads. In front of me is the person who I am now, someone I am deeply disappointed by but this stagnation is comforting. And the other path is maybe realizing who I truly am and the fear of that unknown is forcing me even deeper into my stagnation.

My ultimate goal is to write a book and my biggest fear is nothing comes out of it. I’m not noticed, no one ever reads it or cares I exist. And then I’m forced to bury my dream of becoming a successful or otherwise well known writer. That maybe I’ll be forced to stay where I am forever, in a job I hate and never experiencing the things I truly want to. I’ve had these fears for a while.

I’m trying to push myself out of that mindset. To just write for myself because I want to write. But I also want everything that comes with that. I want to visit places, meet new people, fall in love, maybe even move out of my country permanently. Is writing the vehicle that will take me there? Or should I abandon it for more practical ideas and goals? I honestly don’t know. I really wish I did.

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