Currently – 6/20/19 (Apathy, Depression, Resolve)

Well I guess this is the first time its happened. As I’m writing this I’ve missed my own deadline that I put forth. I was trying to keep this as a constant that I would always make it on time. But things change. It was going to happen so… not really surprised.

Today I felt especially down. Depression really isn’t the word for it but its pretty close. A combination of my continuing and untreated depressive state combined with the fact I was groggy from a nap I decided to take I literally did not feel like myself. My body was so numb all I could do was sit in the car and watch the world go by. Time seemed like a foreign concept to me.

My parents enrolled me in a trade program. Starting next month I will start my training to become a medical… something. I forget. The basic idea is that its going to pay well and I could get a good job out of it. I’m still in a sort of fugue like state from continually getting beaten down so its hard to get excited or happy about anything at this point. For context the last time I felt like this was when my grandfather died. After the tears I sat in a bathtub without moving, my mind imprisoned in my body.

Nothing seems to be going right whatsoever. Every attempt I try to get out of this place seems to bring me all the way down again. I think the problem is that I’m bringing myself up so getting brought back down is much worse. Now my mind is in this state of believing that I shouldn’t get up at all. Just stay down. It will hurt less.

My research is going somewhat well. I decided to take the day off because it wasn’t helping my mood at all. Its close to the point where I can start editing it and, eventually, probably get it self published. Ideally I’d like to publish it and get it into book form but I’ll settle for this. Pretty much every single thing in my life right now is telling me to lay down and not move forward. But that’s just not possible. Life doesn’t work that way. I’ll keep fighting till I can’t fight anymore. I have no other option.

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