Currently – 6/19/19 (Depression, Loneliness, Unsure)

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was trying to convince myself that this new project was making me sad because the subject matter was pretty depressing but I think this is beyond that. I reached out to a friend to talk and she was unresponsive. I would have preferred that she just tell me off or not even respond at all but she kind of did. I thought we were going to have a quick back and forth before she went to bed but then just nothing. I responded and she didn’t.

This happens often. I reach out and no one responds. I just really want someone to talk and relate to, maybe bounce feelings off. I think I just really miss that feeling of contact with someone as weird as that sounds. Just being present, feeling someone else right there with me. Not in a sexual way but rather to ground me, make me remember where I am. This room is starting to become a prison.

My project is going fairly well, though. Of course as I mentioned the subject matter is bringing me down. I have the drive to write but then feel terrible after about an hour long session. This isn’t healthy. Doesn’t feel healthy anyways. Problem is I can’t just switch to another project. I just sit there with an open file and a blank mind. I can deal with writer’s block but not this.

I just don’t know anymore. Not sure what to do or what to think. Can’t tell anyone about it because no one’s listening. I feel really tired right now. I think I’m going to take a nap. Maybe when I wake up things will be better. Of course I know that it won’t be but… I can dream.

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