Currently – 6/16/19 (Alive, Unsure, Debating)

Last post was pretty dark. Welcome to the inside of my mind. I try to not… entertain those thoughts as they have no productive function. That’s not to say I am discounting those who have these thoughts or trying to pretend I don’t have them, rather I have gained nothing constructive from entertaining them. The devil on your shoulder doesn’t need to be given any attention.

Today started off pretty normal, at least from the standpoint of how I’ve been feeling which is to say not great. Kind of just threw myself into a lazy mood and pretended that all my problems didn’t exist. Tried to just focus on things that don’t make me focus, if that makes any sense. Basically my coping mechanism for problems is to push them to the back of my mind, which isn’t healthy. Some pestering from my mom and cleaning my room up a bit brought me out of my funk.

She convinced me to go and take some classes so I could potentially get a better job. I’ve done this before with an A+ program, which deals with computers. The program didn’t work out entirely because of me being lazy. This time, if I get into a program, I’m going to make sure that I actually go for it and try my best to finish it if only for the satisfaction of completing something. I think my biggest problem right now is I’m focused on all the stuff I keep failing at rather than focusing on what I could accomplish.

At this point I feel like I’m not cut out for a regular 9-5 job. Not saying I’m better than that but just saying I need to be better for that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with working one of those jobs and I need to accept it, as well as get into a mindset of accepting that. I’ve always felt my future didn’t lie in one of those jobs but right now I don’t really have a future. My thought is that I should go for it and give it everything I can if only just to see if I can hack it.

I’m not going to lie to myself and say that I don’t have problems. I do, serious ones at that. However I’m not going to wallow in it. Life can, and will, often get you down but its important to get back up. We are not defined by our accomplishments but by how we went about achieving them. We are not defined by our failures but how we dealt with them. My biggest problem is I’m focused on the end result without understanding what it takes to get there. I look at the destination but don’t focus on the road. I think its time I changed that.

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