Currently – 6/15/19 (Anger, Frustration, Dissatisfaction)

Today was the day I was supposed to get my final check. I wake up at a normal time, have a bit of a moment to reflect to myself and try to unwind a bit. I leave my apartment and go to the meeting place. At the designated time I text my former boss and he says my check isn’t ready. I’m a pretty reasonable guy so I don’t think much of it and give this guy some time to get his affairs in order. A LOT of time goes by, an unreasonable amount of time, and I don’t hear from him. So I text him and he blows me off and gives me no information.

In my past I used to have some anger problems. I’ve spent years trying to become a better, calmer and just a better person in general. Past me would have broke down crying when I was first fired, maybe broke some things later when I was alone. Past me would have chewed this guy out the next day after he decided not to show up or give me any information. As I’m writing this I feel sort of a migraine coming on like a blood vessel is going to pop.

I know I wasn’t a great employee, or even a passable one, but I worked and I deserve compensation for time I worked. After a lot of mulling it over I’m thinking about potentially seeking legal action. The state I live in is very clear about the rules of which he is in clear violation of. However another part of me just says let it go. I’m not really sure what to do.

A lot of what I’m feeling is compounded by the fact things just aren’t going well for me right now in general. Obviously there’s the whole getting fired bit but also most other places in my life. I mean do I deserve all that’s happening to me? I don’t feel like a bad person, in fact I’ve been trying to better myself. It seems like my life is just imploding right now and I’m forced to watch. I can’t honestly say that anything in my life is not going badly.

I’ve been thinking about ending my life recently. If this is how the rest of my life is going to be do I really want to stick around for it? No job, no one in my life who really seems to care about me unconditionally. I was just barely scraping by before, but now? I don’t think I want to keep living like this anymore. And I can’t seem to be able to change it on my own so… maybe I don’t have anything left to live for.

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