Currently – 6/9/19 (Longing, Desperation, Disillusion)

Its difficult being away from someone for so long, especially when you want to meet that person for the first time. I have a tendency to romanticize someone the longer I go without seeing them. Its worse with this person because I haven’t actually seen them before as our relationship has been completely online. As unhealthy as it may be my current goal in life is just to be with them. I think its because they came in at exactly the right, and wrong, time. I started forming a connection when they were feeling down and they reciprocated when I was feeling down. I can’t remember the last time I had a relationship like that.

I keep dreaming about them. Just being near them. There’s a part of my brain that’s trying to convince me that when I get to meet this person everything will make sense and fall into place. We’re going to be inseparable, its going to be an amazing relationship, I’m going to love where she lives and immediately want to live there and the two of us are going to move into together! And the other part of my brain is the complete opposite. Beating me and these feelings down. She’s going to hate you, the place she lives is going to be perfect but you can’t stay and she will want nothing to do with you. I think the biggest problem is neither side is rational.

Of course to even get there I have to earn some money and ideally that means I need a job or otherwise gainful employment. I’ve been looking into some freelance jobs and they all seem really awful. I keep hearing other people talk about how they’re the worst, how its soul crushing and you get paid so little. At the same time these thoughts are poisoning my perception of the jobs I see. I keep seeing red flags, some very well warranted mind you, just looking at these jobs. Of course I have to wonder: Are my perceptions being clouded by outside stimuli?

What do you do when you can’t trust yourself? I’ve asked myself this a lot and I honestly haven’t come up with a decent answer. The best I can think of is to stop living in my own head. Get out and not focus on all these thoughts bouncing around my head. But how do I get out of my own head? Meditation? Therapy? Maybe I just need to talk about it in general? I literally have no idea what to do.

I guess I can think about this rationally. A freelance job could lead to better opportunities. Its something you can do in between jobs. This person, as much as I like her, is a human being. She’s probably not catfishing me and all the time we’ve spent talking to one another definitely seems real. She doesn’t live in the most perfect place ever and if I want to get into a relationship where we decide to move into together that’s going to take some serious time and effort to the point where we both trust each other. I’m willing to work towards things I want. Maybe I just have to get out of my own way and walk forward somewhat blindly. The way in front of me is dark but there’s probably a light on the other side.

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