I think one of my biggest problems is I have imposter syndrome. The concept has been getting more traction recently so its a fairly new thing. Basically the idea is that you think you’re undeserving of any praise for whatever you do. As soon as I heard what this was about I latched onto it immediately. I’ve always had problems taking credit for anything even though I knew I did it. I tricked myself into believing that it was a selfless quality and continued to perpetuate it throughout my life.
The only thing I’ve ever been good at was writing. Back when I was a teenager with suicidal depression I didn’t really have a high opinion of myself, go figure. Constant self loathing, self hatred, poor mental health. There was a class project where we were given a writing assignment. Out of around fifteen or so students I won. Before that moment I thought I was completely worthless until a teacher recognized I had, at least some, talent. Ever since then I’ve known that writing is my only path to success.
While definitely a gamble I think its something I have to pursue, for one reason or another. Its not to say that I can’t have another job whatsoever, rather if I am ever going to succeed its not going to be climbing up the corporate ladder or getting an amazing job that pays extremely well. Of course I’m not sure if that’s not just my self defeatism talking to me or if that’s actually true. In any case I truly feel like I need to pursue writing. It feels like something that’s going to take me farther than I can ever dream.
You’d think that I would use this opportunity of being unemployed to explore my talents, and in some ways you would be right. However that imposter syndrome rears its ugly head making every word I put to the page seem like its horrible or it will never sell. That’s part of the reason why I started this blog. Its not much but I see all these people coming to this site just to read what I’ve written, like it and follow to see more? Its an immense boost. Ideally I will be able to not only use this as an exercise tool but also monetize it to be my primary source of income and have it be enough to live off of. In the meantime I could pursue my passion and finally get an answer to the question: Am I good enough to become a published author?
If it was just writing I think I could handle that. Maybe I could come at it with the idea that its just a hobby that could potentially make money. But its seeped into other areas of my life. Jobs, friendships, dating. Its hard to get into a relationship with someone when you keep telling yourself you don’t deserve to be in one. Constantly second guessing yourself at every turn and the person you’re with, not taking opportunities to be with someone because you “know” how its going to end up. No matter how much I tell myself that I deserve to be with someone, or at least the chance to be with someone, I can’t shake this feeling.
Sometimes I think I’m reaching too far, dream wise. How could I ever become a published author? Who would want to read anything that I’ve written? But that’s not true. A lot of people have liked what I’ve written, as evidenced by this very blog. I think I just need to push myself forward. I’ve tried to get myself into the mindset that being a published author isn’t going to pay the bills and will just be not only physical evidence that I can make it but also something to brag about. Its fine to brag about your accomplishments. Don’t force yourself into the idea that taking credit for things you’ve actually done and accomplished is somehow a bad thing. I’ll try to keep this in my mind going forward and I think you should as well.