Currently – 6/7/19 (Uncertainty, Honesty, Future)

I’ve never received many options in life. Maybe one or two, not much more than that. More often than not choices were made for me. Maybe its because I was lazy or indecisive. I like to focus on one thing at a time. Multitasking has never been my strong suit. Searching for jobs has really flipped the script for me. Now I’m juggling multiple potential options and I have to actively search out those options.

Being overwhelmed is certainly a factor but I’m always wary if I’m making the right choice. Is this the job that I want or, better yet, need? Will this open up my life and send me down the right path? I’m fine with working for stuff, and it definitely feels more rewarding to put effort into something, but I always hate wasting my time. I constantly second guess myself which often leads to a decision being made for me.

If I’m being completely honest I’m not sure what to do. I’ve had a few places give me a call back and, while I’m still working towards going to the interview at the very least, I’m still not sure if I should take the position. Of course I’m always looking for the best deal with the best benefits but what comes with that is a job that can pick and choose the applicants and I’m never anyone’s first choice for anything.

Right now what I really want to do is move out of the country, which takes a lot of money and planning that I just don’t have. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything here for me right now. I have my family but we’ve been slowly growing apart, which I’m fine with. I want to build my own family rather than add to this one. That sounds like a very privileged thing to say but I want to be honest with myself and the people in my life. At the very least get everyone on the same page.

Here I am sitting in this small room looking around and I see nothing that I want to take with me. Nothing around me right now seems like something that I’m going keep with me for the foreseeable future. Of course there’s things like my phone, computer and wallet but these things can be easily replaced, and some should truth be told. I don’t want to carry around junk with me or leave the people I love with piles of junk when I’m gone.

I keep thinking about those people that decide to go backpacking around a country and wonder how they do it. Unfortunately a lot of them lie. Tell you about how you “Just can’t think about it, you’ve got to do it.” Many of them don’t talk about food or shelter or any basic living conditions that are clearly being met. They try to tell you that you can fit your entire life into a backpack while at the same time they have someone else following them, carrying video and sound equipment documenting their journey. Its hard to take someone seriously while they’re carrying around a few thousand dollars worth of video, sound and editing tech and then talk about how they can’t fulfill simple everyday life needs.

But, honestly, I’m envious of that. I’ve only ever been out of my country once and I never felt more like myself. In just a week I had so much clarity and focus, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. Of course that vacation ended swiftly and I fell back into who I really was but even worse this time I had a glimpse of the kind of person I wanted to be. I was let out of a cage to see the world clearly for the first time only to be locked up again. Is this where I’m supposed to be? It doesn’t feel like it. Of course the worst thing would be to go somewhere new to find myself and find out that I was really meant to be elsewhere. In a way, I wish someone could make this decision for me. But the only person who really can is myself.

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