Currently – 6/6/19 (Uncertainty, Boredom, Stagnation)

If I had to choose one thing I find most annoying is knowing what you want but not how to get it. More than ever its a lot easier to get information on what you can do but I think a side effect to that is now we keep comparing ourselves to others. I really want to be a creative person so I fill my life with creative people, not only to enjoy their work but to also maybe inspire myself as well. The downside is I see what they’re doing and I subconsciously judge myself for not getting to their level, which is never a good idea.

I think my biggest problem is I’ve never wanted money. Sure, money is a decent thing to have but I more want the things money buys. I don’t want a bank account practically bursting at the seams, I want to go places and do things. Right now my dream is to just own a house with a decent backyard where I can plant some vegetables and have a nice lake outside my door. I’d also like to be married and spend as much time with my spouse as possible. You may notice there’s no “And a great job that pays well” in that scenario. Of course I want a job that I like and pays well but that’s not my goal. Seems dumb to say that but its kind of true.

Of course I guess the best way to do that would be to have a job that takes little work and I could collect royalties on but that’s more of a dream than a goal. Sure people do get those jobs but its not extremely common. Of course not everyone has the talent or skill to actually get into a position like that but if anyone could do it then everyone would do it. Something to work towards, I guess.

I wonder if I would ever get sick of that life. Waking up at the right time to tend to the garden, picking out what was ripe and making breakfast with it then just spending time with the person I love most. It doesn’t feel like it should. Maybe what I want most is someone not only to love and cherish but a person that forces me to be a better person everyday, at the very least to be worthy of the amazing person I’m with. How could I ever find myself in a rut with a situation like that?

Sometimes I feel like moss is growing on me, like I’ve been staying in the same place for too long. I want to go out there. See new things, talk to new people. Money would certainly help with that. I feel like I’m going to look back on myself and just laugh a bit at how lost I was, how the answer was always in front of me but I just couldn’t see it. Right now the only thing in front of me is a wall. Maybe that wall is what I’m looking for? Probably not. I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually and hopefully I’ll be able to laugh.

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