Currently – 6/4/19 (Motivation, Isolation, Disappointment)

To put it lightly the job search has been slow. I’ve broadened my range of things I’m willing to apply for, which is sensible. I’ve heard that jobs in the sanitation industry are actually fairly well paid. And I also thought they would have a low bar for entry. I keep telling myself I’ll get a call back really soon but its hard to keep my spirits up.

My mornings are just waking up and not at all ready to take on the day. Best thing I can do productively is really just take a shower. Just feeling so empty and drained. Its hard to do much of anything when the first thought on waking up is a slight bit of hope before its dashed as I look at my email to find junk or just… nothing. I can’t even really make any effort to go further from where I am. I thought about trying to learn a new language in the meantime or start writing more frequently, but I just don’t have the drive to do it.

Since I’m working on an ever thinning budget I can’t really go out just to get out of my own head space. My car’s gas tank is running lower and lower and what little savings I have I’m keeping just as a small backup. I suppose we both have that in common, my car and I. Just about running on fumes at this point. Problem is the car is an easy fix, just pull into a gas station and fill it up. Me? Not so simple.

I keep thinking about calling a friend, or anyone, just to talk. But every time I do they always seem busy and I feel guilty for taking up their time. However more than that I would have to go through the whole song and dance of explaining that I’m no longer employed. I know they mean well but I don’t want platitudes. I want results or solutions. That seems selfish as I say it. They mean well and I should appreciate it. In fact I do. Truly. But I just feel so tired.

I’m going to try and stay positive. Tomorrow is always another day. Who knows? I could get a call for an interview tomorrow. At least I hope so. I’m caught between continually looking at and refreshing my email or just ignoring it and focusing on myself, neither of which seems smart. If I keep looking at it I’m just going to get disappointed and lack any motivation. Of course there’s always the small possibility that I’ll eventually get a call back. I have to find something productive to do in the meantime but what that is I just don’t know. I really do hope the sun rises tomorrow but right now it just seems impossible.

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