Its official as of now: I am unemployed. It was more or less left up in the air but with a very clear message that this job had already ended for me but now its on paper. I will be receiving the remainder of my work time paycheck as well as my unused vacation time. In a lot of ways I’m kind of lucky. I doubt most people would receive the same treatment from their former employer that I have. But I honestly don’t feel lucky. I had plans and goals that I was working towards. Even if I can admit that I most likely would have never been pushed into pursuing them I still feel the strain of wondering how I’ll make it now.
I couldn’t help but feel this immense weight bearing down on me. A feeling so suffocating it started to affect me physically. My heart rate increasing, my head throbbing and my eyes watering. I haven’t felt fear like this in a while. I don’t wish to belittle my grandfather but I felt similarly to how I saw his body in the hospital on his last day. All I could do was fall down on my knees in front of his bed and pour out all my emotions. Even after I spoke to my supervisor and she assured me that, personally, she would assist me I still couldn’t shake that feeling.
Luckily I have another person in my corner. We’ve started to become friends recently and she has been the one beacon of light in my life. Every time I see something of her or a picture I almost always feel like I’m being lifted off the ground. Despite the distance and time zone she’s always there when I really need her. I broke down and poured myself out to her and she gave me plenty of love and support, balancing the euphoria I get simply from speaking to her with the crushing fear. Just knowing I have someone like that, despite the distance, means all the world to me.
I’m not entirely sure of what I’ll do for money. Right now I’m thinking of monetizing this blog. That’s actually part of the reason I started writing but now I’m keeping with it because its genuinely a really nice way to get out all of my feelings and the little notification I get from people who have subscribed or liked what I’ve written is a major self confidence boost. Most likely I’ll still have a home and just enough to feed myself, provided I’m proactive in seeking out supplementary forms of money. However there’s small bills every month that I need to keep up with. Car payment mostly, which is a fair chunk of change.
This whole process has me thinking more and more of what I want in the future. Its really been a kick to see how much or how little I have. The job I was so miserable at kept me afloat. I wish I had been more responsive, more thankful for it. But that’s all in the past. What I hope to take with me in the future is the idea that whatever I’m given I should be thankful for. Whether its a job that just gives me enough, an amazing person separated by an immense ocean and thousands of miles or the few years I got to spend with my grandfather before his passing. There is pain in this but I can also find joy in it.