Currently – 6/2/19 – Mood, Finances, Fears

The sky is overcast today. Am I the only person who likes it like this? Darker cloudy skies, slight mist, cooler temperatures. However its begun to feel less pleasant and started to mirror my own personal feelings. A near constant reminder of what’s going on in my life.

I’ve said this before in a previous post but I lost my job. In all honesty it was for the best. I was miserable and felt like I was stuck. However I didn’t want to leave like this. Of course, thinking back on it, I don’t really know how I would have liked to leave. I didn’t harbor any hatred or ill feelings for the job itself. Minimum wage that was physically demanding and mentally draining. However all the money I made from it was definitely a net positive. Got me places where I wanted to go and do a few things.

Either way, this part of my life is closed and I think I’d like to keep it that way. If I was offered a job back there I would consider taking it but only just to survive and maybe boost my skills so I could go to a much better job. Its become increasingly apparent to me that I have almost no skills to offer any other organization. I finished high school but dropped out of community college for various reasons, most of which the school itself wasn’t really what I wanted it to be. I was taking classes that did absolutely nothing to challenge me mentally and the ones I wanted were all full. Each semester I would enroll for an interesting course only to be kicked out at the last minute.

The classes I wanted weren’t going to get me much of anywhere but they were things I was personally interested in. Looking back on it, that’s how school was always for me. I had a class I wanted but was told I couldn’t take it because I was always playing catch up. It wasn’t because I wasn’t particularly unintelligent, rather I just got lazy. My family life wasn’t great either so my time at home was spent locked in my room away from the world and throwing myself into video games. Fantasy was always more appealing than reality.

At this point I’m not sure what to do, money wise. I have bills to pay and need to eat occasionally. I think right now I need to go on welfare for a bit, if only just to keep myself afloat. Depending on how much I can make I’m hoping to go back to school and maybe pick up a trade. I’m not necessarily interested in working as an electrician or a plumber but the thought of being on the streets and starving is a powerful motivator.

I have to admit I’m really scared. My future seems as dark as the skies that I used to love looking at. I know that just behind those clouds is a bright star that lights up everything around it but its difficult to imagine that right now. However there’s another part of me that knows one day I’m going to look back on this moment, this scared child, and then I’m going to look at all my surroundings. I wonder if I’ll have built a perfect life at that point. I wonder if I’ll be happy and secure. It seems difficult to imagine myself genuinely smiling right now. But I know that smile awaits me in the future. And I’m going to keep struggling and pushing towards that future.

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