Currently – 6/1/19 (Jobs, Hobbies, Self Defeatism)

Recently I lost my job. I’ve spent the last few days signing up for multiple jobs and haven’t received much of a response from any of them. I was pretty down in the dumps but after giving it some thought I felt like I should view this as an opportunity as opposed to something negative.

That isn’t to say there isn’t negativity in the situation, instead I would rather play this off more as a “Sure this is bad but what can we learn from this”. I spent much of my life being negative about almost everything. Depression has always been something I’ve struggled with, mostly silently. When I was growing up it wasn’t as common as it was today, nor was it treated with much severity. My depression is really compounded by how I act and ultimately look at my current situation. So my idea is if I take something negative and look for a positive, while it won’t become a positive, perhaps something positive could come about from it.

I’ve really wanted to write a book for the longest time. It felt like my own way to get out of the bad situations I was stuck in. However, the problem arose with how I handled it. Basically what I was doing was putting a fairly significant amount of work into writing something, getting discouraged, dropping the idea then finding another great idea and continuing the cycle.

One of the few talents I have is being a natural story teller. I think it comes from the fact I live in my head so often. I, more or less, come up with an idea and dissect it numerous times and only when it meets my own standards do I let it go from my brain. This has its own benefits (ie. quick to think, slow to act) that certainly helps me in my day to day life when I use it. However, it doesn’t when I consistently tell myself that nothing I’m going to do is going to make it in any sense.

Even before unemployment I regularly binged watched a lot of TED talks on YouTube. Its a great way to pass the time and help me pretend I’m not just being lazy. Not many of them stick out in my head but much of what I got from them was a better awareness of my surroundings as well as myself. The things I subconsciously tell myself on a daily basis or do without being aware of it. A lot of what we do is based on patterns as opposed to learned or conscious behaviors. Such as a person trying to lose weight but often end up relapsing due to self defeatist attitudes. We often are our own worst enemies.

For me my problems came with what I did after work, which ultimately consisted of lounging around and not really challenging myself. And I totally get it. Long day after work, maybe I just want to lay down and unwind? However its different when each day I did this and, more often than not, wasn’t even exhausted. I came to start a pattern of coming back home, turning on my game system and playing for hours until I was bored or had to do life stuff like eating or sleeping. What should have been a reward for effort well spent ended up becoming my routine.

Even after learning this it took a while to break it, and I’m still on that process. Either way I’m getting a lot more done after quitting my bad habits cold turkey and replacing them with things I either wanted to do or felt I had to do. Losing my job, as weird as it may sound, really ended up being what I needed to move forward. Job search is still going but instead of looking at this like its a bad thing I’m trying to view it as an opportunity. To change, to grow. Really anything I can.

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