Happy to say I actually wrote some more today. The amount of writing was fairly sparse but that’s to be expected after something of an impromptu accidental break. I did however go back and realize that I wanted to put some foreshadowing in some earlier chapters, which was nice. It took some research but I got the timeline down and I think I can continue on tomorrow.
The biggest reason I’m not releasing what I have already is because I don’t want to be one of those classic blog stories if it catches on. Something like Fifty Shades was really poorly paced and written in blog format because it was being released and updated fairly quickly. Which would garner a lot more of a fanbase as the story was continuing onward so everyone could experience the story as it was written but as a result its very slow, poorly paced and doesn’t really hold any weight to it. There’s also a lot more problems but I won’t get into that. Basically I’ll release the book on a chapter by chapter basis when I’m fully finished and have already edited each chapter to my preference.
Apart from that, I just started feeling pretty lonely today. I didn’t really reach out to anyone today so I’m not really going to bemoan that so much. I did talk to my friend yesterday and one of my texts has gone unanswered by another. So the person who didn’t answer I’m obviously not going to re-text just so I can most likely get ignored again, whereas the other friend usually stays quiet on Sundays because she goes to church… or at least that’s what I think. Either way I’m just feeling kind of disconnected again. Hopefully that will go away soon.
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do. I’m not really religious but I keep finding myself praying to know what my purpose or my path is. Where I’m supposed to go, what I’m supposed to do and who I’m supposed to be with. I don’t like playing games, in the sense of life. I’m a very straight forward person… kind of. I mean I’m shy so I like to be straight forward and I also like the same from others. Its agonizing to feel like I’m not going or doing what I’m supposed to be, that the person I’m supposed to be or be with is just out of arms reach.
Unfortunately no writing today. I think I didn’t do it because I was just so tired from last night. I was asked to sit in at my part time job and the description was really… lacking. Like I wasn’t sure about the specifics other than I had to ‘work’ through the night but I wasn’t sure what that entailed so I debated going to sleep or if I should attempt to wire myself up with coffee but then that would affect my performance for the next shift I was to take… So ya I really didn’t get much rest. I took the time shift for multiple reasons but basically I just want to be as helpful as possible because I think if I lose another job that’s going to break me. Don’t worry, I am getting enough rest I’m just still in that uncomfortable stage of it being a new job and I don’t want to step on toes.
I’ve had something of a weight problem for a while. Actually I should say its more of a body image problem more than anything. I know I’m not fit and that sucks but I’m not extremely overweight and its somewhat manageable. For me its about my appearance more than anything, although health wise it would be nice. I walked by a near full length mirror and saw my gut jutting out. I don’t mean like “I am self conscious and I perceive my gut hanging out” rather it was actually hanging out and it brought my mood down. I don’t have a problem with people and weight, my friend isn’t in the best shape but I’m always telling her that its fine if she stays at her current weight as long as she’s happy with it. I am not and I really would like to change that.
I guess I just have a problem with exercising regularly. I think its making a habit of it that’s difficult. I often just don’t have the energy or willpower to get up and do something simply. I don’t need to lose weight in a certain time period or for anything in particular, I just want to slim down a bit so I have more confidence and maybe I’ll be more attractive. Already I find it hard to take pictures of myself, even just the face because there’s also some problems I have there. It doesn’t feel like anyone is attracted to me looking like all of this.
Maybe its just a mind over matter thing. I think(?) I’ve been hit on in the past. Its really difficult to tell, though. I’m not sure if you’re attracted to me or just trying to be nice. It would be a lot easier and nicer if people were just more direct. Although would that be worse? Instead of wondering if I’m attractive to others would I just be sad that no one is saying I’m attractive? It feels like a lose-lose situation.
Someone told me that I need to love myself before I can love anyone else, and I disagree with every fiber in my being. Plenty of people hate themselves but love others! Why am I the only person who has to love myself before I can love or be loved by someone else? Not to drag on this person, even though they are no longer in my life and I want it to stay that way, but they were terrible at relationships too. My ideal mate is someone who looks at my flaws and loves me, not in spite of those flaws or overlooks them but loves me and all of me. I think if I had someone like that in my life I would want to be better for them in every way. The right person challenges you to become the best you that you can be each day. That’s how I see it.
Yesterday my mom informed me that she needed to do something at our actual house which is around a hundred miles away. For context we have a home but its exceedingly far away from where we work so we’re staying in an unusual situation and we just use the house for a glorified storage space for all of the stuff we want but don’t need and can’t fit in our new small space. Anyways so my dad had some doctor’s appointments for the next day so I would have to fill in. Extra annoyance on top of that was I was forced to spend the night with my dad because he’s prone to accidents so I basically just needed to be there in case he needed me. Not wanting to sleep in the same bed as my dad, for a multitude of reasons, I opted to use a very uncomfortable cot in a very uncomfortable position. It took a while but I finally went to sleep and it… wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be.
Further adding on to the “Was not as bad as I expected” mood the whole situation with my dad wasn’t the worst. Although we did spend around two hours waiting for a procedure that ended up taking less than ten minutes and then me pushing my dad a pretty decent distance away for another check up, the whole situation was a lot less terrible than I initially was expecting. Not only that but I got some food out of it, a mostly full tank of gas and a hundred bucks for my emergency fund that I had previously drained. So… neat. I guess its sort of my new response to annoying things that has made stuff like this less annoying. I don’t yell and scream about doing something I hate, rather I just sigh and do it. Admittedly that is a bit passive aggressive but… hey, I did it to the best of my ability so you can’t knock me for that.
Something that I’m less proud of is I essentially told myself I wasn’t going to get any work done on my book. I was already expecting the situation to go on for a long time, which it did, and that I wouldn’t have any energy to do any work. Pretty much I just convinced myself I wouldn’t get anything done as an excuse to do nothing. This is something I can be disappointed in myself about. Effort is effort and I can’t blame myself for not meeting expectations. I can, however, blame myself for being kind of dumb. I hope to learn from this.
My current part time job is going pretty decent. The pay is nice, the job is easy and I can fit it into my life sort of well. The one problem I have is it kind of cuts my potential time to hang out with my friend to even lower levels. She’s usually tired after work and I work on weekends so there’s a pretty significant dead zone of any free time in our schedules. I was thinking about potentially getting her on a Friday but texting her today had her say she was playing a game with some friends and would text back later. She never did but I’m not going to hold that against her. Also right now I’m supposed to work right now for a weird time so its put my plan into question. Its been a while since I’ve seen her and that kind of sucks because I feel genuinely happy around her. Oh well, some other time then.
Yet another day and yet more work on my book. I finally finished a chapter and it took around three days, which is not ideal but in the spirit of acceptance I’m going to be happy that I finished the chapter at all. I can be annoyed that I didn’t do my chapter a day goal because I am just now getting over a lengthy depressive state or the fact that the words are still eluding me but I think its better to pat myself on the back for what I have done. I’ve always beaten myself up over not meeting my own expectations or lashed out at people for not meeting my own secret expectations I’ve had for them and just started trying to accept it.
I really wanted to text someone today but I decided against it. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the person or the past because I’m kind of tired of doing so, but I feel like I want to accept them for who they are. More often than not they won’t respond back and at first I was scared that I was putting effort into a relationship that was going nowhere so I got angry at them. Now I want to accept this person for who they are and hopefully we both can find some common ground rather than me forcing them to be where I am. Given the opportunity we would both spend days talking to each other non stop but I know that isn’t sensible or possible for a variety of reasons. Maybe some day we can come to a point where we just talk for hours and hours but right now what is here I am satisfied with.
Recently I’ve been thinking of working on another book simultaneously. My biggest problem with doing that is I have, in the past, prioritized one book over the other and stopped writing in the latter all together. This wouldn’t be such a problem if these events overlapped continuously. I’m trying to repress feelings of how amazing it would be to tell this other story in favor of the current one I’m working on. I want to finish this one and if I still have those feelings I’ll go to the other one as well. I need to stick with this one to the end.
As weird as it sounds I’m thinking of taking some… recreational substances. In the past I’ve had no desire to do this because of fear or just not liking it in general. I don’t even drink because I dislike the taste and my normal closed off personality becomes very open and unnecessarily verbose. I’ve heard about the unusual experiences people have on this stuff and they sound interesting. I’m not in it to ‘expand my creativity’ or anything like that but I hear about people who have almost religious experiences and accept themselves on the right substances. I think my biggest fear is from a medical perspective, both from the sense of thinking I could die or potentially getting addicted. Right now I don’t really have the means to do any of it but I would be interested in the near future. Though I don’t want something that’s relaxing and more mind expanding but I wouldn’t refuse something to loosen up a bit either.
I really feel like I’ve grown in these past few months. More so than any time previously. I think its because its summer, weirdly enough. I usually have life changing experiences in the summer where I somehow get pushed out of my comfort zone and get to stretch. I personally kind of like that, to be honest. I don’t understand people that constantly do things you’d see in a stereotypical movie where someone is like “Life is short!” I feel like that’s going to eventually get boring. Obviously expand yourself and your understanding of the world as much as possible but at the same time I feel like you’d ruin potentially life changing experiences. Like there has to be some point where you go to a lost ancient civilization with technology we can’t possibly comprehend or even replicate today… and then get bored because you’ve already done that last week. Obviously not that exact scenario but you get the point… hopefully.
I’m happy to say that I actually did some more work on the book. Granted it wasn’t a lot but any amount of work is still work. It feels like I have to force myself but when I do I feel like the words gradually come to me more naturally. I’m still not doing the amount I’d like to be doing but I’m not going to beat myself up for trying. Eventually I may get back to my old strides but only time will tell.
Today I had an… unexpected surprise that was very pleasant. I’m hesitant to say anymore out of fear I’ll somehow jinx it. It put a lot of what I was thinking about into perspective and made me realize I was wrong in some areas. As a generally pessimistic person I like being proved wrong… provided that being proved wrong is pleasant, of course. I won’t say much more because of the past experiences where I’ve been excited and shared what I was excited about only to have it blow up in my face, so I think I’ll just keep this to myself and the only indication I give others is an uncharacteristic grin.
I had a run in with my old job on two different accounts. Rather I should say I had a run in with former coworkers. I always felt it was a bit awkward to see them because I thought they all knew I was ‘coerced’ into ‘resigning’ but as the days go by it feels less and less horrible. I’ve come to accept what happened, owned up to the fact I was at fault and I’m trying to move on. For the most part its working. Though its a lot more difficult seeing as how its my family’s business and I’m always privy to the ins and outs. At the very least the constant barrage of family telling me to jump ship because the business that had been around decades before I was born was going to crumble, reminding me that this is due to my grandfather’s passing, has been lessened.
In a few weeks I’m going to start my classes. My mom keeps bringing it up asking me if I’m excited. I’ll refer you to the previous statement on why I don’t get excited for things anymore. This could be good. I keep hearing that I’m pretty much guaranteed a job offer after the class is over so that’s cool. I have my own part time job and it doesn’t seem like it would conflict with either the class or the potential job in the future. I’m just worried about getting burned out working 7 days a week. Though if the job is good I may consider getting my own place and moving out.
This morning I tried to write but for whatever reason I was just drawing a blank. And this isn’t an excuse or a lie, I literally sat there for almost thirty minutes and couldn’t write anything. I think right now I just need to get back into the writing mood. My poor state as of late has been really creatively stifling so I just have to find it again.
On the same note, my mood and general mental state is better. Less sleeping in for hours and more I have no creativity. Suffice it to say I’d rather have a creative lull than complete lack of energy to get up and do basic survival needs. I still have these little stupid moments but overall I feel a lot better. I think what I need now is to just move on and try to get on with my life.
My classes are going to be starting soon. I’ll still do my best to update the blog on a daily basis but forgive me in advance if that becomes a problem. My biggest concern would be not being able to write consistently on my book and… ya that’s already a problem. I guess there’s that whole bit of being awkward around people and trying to get to know people. I think my biggest problem when it comes to interacting with people is I look fairly normal but its my demeanor and general behaviors that make people dislike me. I do have a scar problem on my body but everyone is polite enough not to say anything about it or otherwise doesn’t notice it so there’s nothing really to clock me as a semi antisocial person immediately. Its really annoying to have people genuinely seem to take an interest in me, either just to be friendly or ‘something more’, only to have them completely abandon me out of nowhere leaving me to obsess over if I did something wrong.
I really hate going into that mental state. I try to put forth this energy of “I don’t care what you think about me” but that quickly goes out the window the second a text or an attempt to strike up a conversation is ignored for more than a few hours. I guess its how I try to treat everyone. My personal philosophy is to treat another person like a priority. Of course life stuff gets in the way, like how I occasionally have to take my dad to various doctor appointments, but even in that case I always try to take time out to tell the person I’m busy but I’ll get back to them. I never understand people who just decide to ignore calls or texts when they clearly have the time to talk to that person.
I’m very much a “Treat others on how you would like to be treated” type of person. However I often default to a “Treat others how they’ve treated you” which definitely isn’t the same, healthy or decent. That was my biggest problem with a recent incident. I’m trying to stick to the first part because I think that being nice to others is just good all around. Maybe they’ll be nice to you in return… or they’ll be terrible to you and you can claim the moral high ground. Alright, that last part was a bit of a joke but I’d be lying if there wasn’t a kernel of truth in it.
So I put sad up there in the title to say that I’m sad but not depressed. I mean I am depressed but its not as bad as how my depression has been lately. Okay this is kind of confusing… I’m feeling a little better but not perfect. I guess I’m sliding into a better mindset, or at least I hope I am. I’m sad but its an improvement from previously so… that’s something I guess.
I do still feel pretty lonely and I dislike that immensely. That’s not to say I don’t have people in my life rather I just can’t connect to anyone. No one really understands how I’m feeling and that’s pretty isolating. Even worse when you reach out and no one wants to talk. I’m debating on reaching out more. I usually just sit and wallow in being alone when sometimes a person is just a phone call away. It sucks to be ignored but… maybe I won’t be ignored this time?
I did make some more progress on the book. Not much but… progress is progress. I’m fighting the urge to just scrap everything and just start on something new which isn’t sensible in the slightest. I like new ideas and get bored quickly which is a big problem. I really need to get into the mindset of finishing things otherwise I’ll never get anything done. Hope I can get some more stuff done.