Currently – 7/15/19 (Patreon, Writing, Lyft)

You ever have one of those dreams where it feels real? I dreamed that my Patreon basically just blew up overnight and I immediately never had to worry about money ever again. Before that I also had a dream that I was getting pocket change so at least my brain tried to be a bit more realistic. I’m not entirely sure how to do this. I made some goals and stuff but it definitely feels like those need to change. Some stuff kind of seems worth it but others definitely look weird.

On the plus side its actually forced me to write a bit more. For the first time in a while I actually had the drive to work on one of my books. I already had a chapter ready to post but it just needed some proofreading and editing and it was ready. Second chapter isn’t done but I feel like its going to be a much smoother process. The story is in my head and I just need to put it on paper. If you are interested I posted the first chapter on Patreon for the public but I feel like it would be best for all other chapters to be patron exclusive. I might change that later or simply just put a timer on it.

I think I’m going to follow up with some insurance companies to see which one would be decent for ride sharing. I’ve got a list that I’ll probably call after I’m finished posting this. I’ll probably need it just to stay afloat for the time being. If I’m being honest I don’t think Patreon is going to become much of anything. I want it to be but… It just doesn’t look like it right now. Maybe I need to give it some more time.

In the meantime it would still be good to work on my book more. I like the story and think it can go far. Though I think I need to go back to making outlines because some parts seem a little bit flimsy to me. But I do like the story that’s in my head and I hope others do too. I think the next chapter will be ready in like maybe two weeks. Not to say I can’t finish it sooner rather I just feel like giving it a decent amount of time to ruminate.

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Currently – 7/14/19 (Patreon, Writing, Adjustment)

Just a few moments ago I started up a Patreon account! Its mostly for writing, I guess. Not really sure what to do from here. Like my thought is do I wait for people to come or do I just post immediately? Like it would be sensible to just start posting to attract people, right?

Sorry this just feels so weird. Feels like somewhat of a milestone right now. It would be really cool if this jumped off and just became my primary source of income, but sensibility tells me that probably isn’t going to be a thing. I suppose if I work hard and put in the effort I can see some returns. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

I’m not expecting you to jump on, immediately or whatsoever. If you could donate some money that would be immensely appreciated but no pressure. Even the smallest amount of money is going to go a long way. Sharing it would also be amazing. This is, most likely going to take some time to build up but its something that feels worth building.

My day so far went okay. My mom was telling me that most likely the insurance on my car won’t accept ride sharing so I need to find a secondary insurance so I can finally use Lyft. Currently all of the insurance companies seem to be closed today so I’ll have to get on that tomorrow. I did some quick research and it seems like the whole process is going to be a bit more of a pain to get up and running. Pain or not its potential money that I need.

I guess the rest of the day is just going to be me trying to get this Patreon up to code, if possible. There’s a lot I need to get working on so I think that’s going to be my focus. Mostly in terms of “What does this do” or “How does this work”, stuff like that. It seems like a pretty intense time investment.

As for this blog I feel like I’ll keep it around. Not in the sense I don’t want to but I’ll keep it up for you guys, rather its up and I have no reason to shut it down. This blog is nice and I really like being able to vent my day to you. And the views, likes and comments are really nice. Thank you to everyone who has ever viewed, liked or commented on one of my posts.

I’m hesitating just going wild and jumping for joy. It feels like every time I do something like that whatever I was happy about ends up turning badly. Look through my posts and you’ll see that pretty quickly. I’m not saying this to be a downer, rather I feel like I need to be a bit more realistic. Patreon is a cool idea that could become something. Right now its a potential dream that’s going to take time and effort.

There’s nothing more I’d like to do than to tell you I’m in a great place right now. That this one event has changed my life for the better. Of course that isn’t the case, which I’m fine with. The best things in life often take the most time. It may seem like a waste at first but if you’re willing to put the effort in you could end up seeing something really good bloom out of it. Life is complicated like that.

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Blog Update – 7/13/19

Hey everyone! Just a quick… update? I’m not sure. Not really sure what to categorize this as but whatever.

Alright so currently I’m thinking this blog isn’t very much of… anything really. The likes and views have come back to a better level but it really isn’t where I want it to be in terms of making anything of it. I’ve been thinking of making some changes to posting but I really don’t want the same problem I had when I was posting twice a day. I’m interested to see what you might think I could do.

My current thought is that I still want to be a writer but the self publishing hasn’t gone well. I’m not sure if I’ve made literally any money off the book. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can check to see if I’ve made any sales. Apart from that I haven’t received any reviews and my bank account hasn’t received any money so I’m going to go out on a limb and say it hasn’t sold anything.

My thought is that I’ll just post some chapters of a book online. I was thinking that I could do it here but that doesn’t really seem like the format would fit with this blog. I guess I could make a new one and just link it? If that’s possible I think that would be the best way. Ideally I’d like to keep it on the same account and just have a side account so I think I’ll look into that. If its possible I’ll definitely get on that as soon as possible.

Well anyways, thanks for reading (if you have).

Currently – 7/13/19 (Ashamed, Therapy, Resolve)

Last night I did something stupid and basically forced her hand. I think in my mind I was trying to leave but it ultimately sounded like, both to me later and to her, that I was trying to manipulate her. We had a very unpleasant conversation which I attempted to end prematurely. Fortunately she wasn’t having it and called me on the phone to tell me what she was feeling. It was awkward but I think it ended on the best note, me understanding that I was wrong.

I’ve thought a lot about going to therapy but I’ve always shied away from it. When I had two jobs I wasn’t able due to time constraints, single job was out of fear and now unemployed I simply don’t have the money to do it. But instead of making excuses I want to go, if only for myself. The idea of me being in a healthy place seems like a fantasy but one I want to explore.

I’m not going to say I was the good guy in this situation, not by a long shot. What I thought was attempting to repair a relationship was in reality me harassing someone who had never been anything but nice to me. I’m saying this not to gain sympathy but to be honest with you and myself. I don’t know how I’m going to do this but I need therapy, badly. If I’m being honest I really do want it. Hopefully I can come out on the side a much better, or at the very least, aware person. Thank you for your patience.

Currently – 7/12/19 (Uncertainty, Instability, Writing)

As a last ditch effort I’ve made it clear to her that I still want to be her friend. I gave her an open invitation so that I could attempt to patch things up. So far she hasn’t responded, which I’m not surprised by. All logic tells me this is the end but there’s a stupid little part in the back of my brain still holding out hope. I think more than anything I want to right this wrong, if possible. I’m not sure if I deserve her friendship.

Today was… eh. I haven’t spoken much about my parents but my dad is currently on his death bed, suffering from a particularly aggressive form of cancer that’s robbed him of all his strength leaving him to look more like a corpse than the man I once knew. We never really had a good relationship growing up despite him being around. Today I helped him with some stuff that is better not spoken about. But its really pushed me to get out of this situation or at the very least better myself.

I had some time to be lazy so right now I’m going to try writing a book. It sounds solid in my head though I’m worried its verging on plagiarism. I’ll, hopefully, finish writing it but if the final product is something I’m not comfortable releasing because I feel its too close to the thing I’m basing it off of then I won’t release it. I think writing right now is more important that any potential money making opportunities that I could gain from it. I have to get in the mindset of exercising or engaging in the process rather than trying to rush to the finish line.

Currently – 7/11/19 (Foolish, Hasty, Undeserving)

I had an unexpected surprise happen this morning. I woke up to my phone buzzing with notifications. The surprise came from the friend I thought would never speak to me again and I assumed had blocked me without checking. She was pretty angry and we had a back and forth for a bit. After a few hours I understood what I did to her and how badly I made her feel. I wasn’t totally aware of this but I had some inkling.

Its hard to admit when you’re wrong but I can certainly do that: I was wrong. I thought terrible things about her that weren’t true, and instead of confronting her and asking her I instead let that fester in me then burst out at a terrible time. I am genuinely ashamed by my actions and I don’t think I can apologize enough. I only hope the best for her. I don’t expect us to be friends after this but that’s fine. I didn’t deserve her friendship.

As much as I want to pretend nothing similar to this has happened that isn’t true. I’ve let my own negative emotions and stupid thoughts fester in my mind rather than confronting someone. In some cases I can see that the relationship was bad and it was best that I left, however more often than not they were a decent person that didn’t see that same. Personal growth is something I always want to foster in myself so when it comes to situations like this I want to immediately call myself out for my dumb or foolish behavior. I hope to use this unfortunate situation to become a better person.

Currently – 7/10/19 (Progress?, Annoyed, Contemplating)

While it is a small step I have actually made some slight progress to being a bit more productive. Finally did some laundry which was piling up on the floor. Not sure why I didn’t just do it earlier but whatever, its done now. Hopefully this will get me out of my lazy slump that I’ve been in recently. Should wash my sheets, now that I think about it. Tomorrow I guess.

Spent most of my time playing a video game, which I’m not proud of. Finally decided to quit out because it was crashing and it gave me an excuse to write this. Maybe I’ll get back on later but I think I’ve had enough for today. Right now I feel like I should, at the very least, attempt some writing. I don’t lack ideas just the motivation to write. Not sure how to get that back but maybe if I foster more positive practices I could get back into the spirit.

All in all it was a pretty uneventful day. Nothing really out of the normal. I hope it stays that way, honestly. Not really interested in significant life changes right now. I think I’ll just try and buckle down to working. Maybe I’ll look for some jobs again. I’m fine with today, all things considered. Not bad.